[0017]

A few days ago someone asked me a very enlightening scenario based question: "say you broke up with your significant other, and once upon a time loved him very much, would you rather he beg you to stay, and be unrelenting psycho-obsessive about it and not leave you alone or would you rather he just say okay, fine whatever and walk away, never to look back?" I thought of the question for a bit and asked if there was an inbetween choice I could pick, and the person said no, because then it would eliminate the diagnostic purpose of the question, and that only the two extremes were available to choose from. So initially I said I'd rather him just say okay whatever and walk out of my life...but then I realized how much that would hurt. In essence that would mean that my absence doesn't affect him in the least bit, and it would show he never really cared too much about me all along (provided that we were in a very close relationship with tonnes of love, as mentioned in the question.) Pondering that outcome, I started to think about it very long and hard. In the past if I broke up with someone, I always got really irritated if they didn't leave me alone right away or kept asking me to forgive them or take them back. But now, I realized how shitty (for lack of a better word) I'd feel if they just said hmm well all right, see ya later. I take that begging, pleading phase for granted, not knowing how much worse I would feel if they were indifferent to my conclusion of the relationship. At the time the whole psycho-obsessive, unrelenting phase is a huge pain in the ass, and I always think how much more peaceful I'd be if they just left me alone. But no...I now know that I wouldn't be peaceful at all. It would hurt a hell of a lot more for the person to walk away, no strings attached. Intrinsically, us humans are designed to feel a certain "gassing" to the head when someone begs for our love. We all feel good inside when someone begs us to stay or tells us how sucky their life would be if we were not a part of it. We take an inner joy almost, to another persons suffering. It is the brutal truth, albeit said in a very blunt manner, but honest nonetheless. No one likes to admit this certain fact. I know for sure that if someone told me I find joy in other peoples suffering, I'd say what the hell are you talking about! It seems so absurd and evil, but the very main essence and reality of the issue is that we do take an almost subconscious sigh of relief in our once upon a time lover's woes; especially those directly regarding us. We act as though we don't care for their begging and pleading, as though we want them to just vanish, but deep down inside we're happy that we left a mark deep enough for them to throw their pride away. To grovel at our feet. To beg for mercy. We tell them to stop over and over, but deep inside we're saying yesss. Very, very, very, deep down inside however, to an almost unconscious level. Vicious, vile, villainous? Yes, some might say so. But it is the very honest, very impartial truth. Next time it happens to you, search your soul, and you will also find that voice inside you saying yesss.